Popping the Bagel Question

It’s Sunday morning.

My bagel is freshly baked. It exhales steam from its lips as deft hands slice it open. The everything seasoning that coats the bagel’s crust sprinkles the cutting board beneath it. Fluffy cream cheese is spread across its face.

Perhaps it’s topped with a slice of tomato; perhaps a ribbon of cucumber; perhaps a touch of salt.

Depends on my mood.

This bagel is arguably more emblematic of the Big Apple than the city’s gleaming red namesake. Though core-less and conceivably less likely to keep the doctor away, bagels are an ever-reliable stalwart for the hungry New Yorker.

Learning someone’s bagel order is a glimpse into their identity. Popping the Bagel Question (capital BQ) is akin to asking “What car do you drive?” or “What do you do for fun?” in another city. It tells you much of what you need to know about a person.

Everything with plain cream cheese? Predictable. Blueberry with strawberry? Child. Asiago with sun-dried tomato? Snob. Plain with plain? Live a little. Gluten free with light? Just get a smoothie. Rainbow? Tourist. Onion with scallion? I hope you’re going home after this.

Toasted? Scooped? Toppings? Salt? Pepper?

I recently met a cinnamon raisin with lox, which really threw me for a loop. They proceeded to compare this order to a chocolate-covered pretzel.

The depth of the Bagel Question is presumably a result of the delicacy’s prevalence in the New Yorker’s weekly routine. There’s the walking bagel en route to the office; the social bagel on a park bench; the bag of uncut bagels for hosting (undeniably inferior).

The “location of purchase” query further complicates this matter. Is a bagel truly superior if you need to wait in line for an hour to buy it? Can you look a friend in the eye and tell them that this bagel is that much better than their no-frills neighborhood spot? Are there diminishing returns, measured on a “Bagel Wait Time” to “Bagel Quality” scale? What’s the exchange rate between the U.S. dollar and social bagel currency?

Warning: these questions will likely spark debate among random selections of New York City residents.

Perhaps you’ll ponder them yourself the next time you’re craving a sesame with jalapeño or a pumpernickel with peanut butter.